Contradictory Character

“A paradox to most observers, INTJs are able to live by glaring contradictions that nonetheless make perfect sense – at least from a purely rational perspective. For example, INTJs are simultaneously the most starry-eyed idealists and the bitterest of cynics, a seemingly impossible conflict.”

I feel like I am a bundle of contradictions, I don’t understand myself. I remember struggling to answer the question ‘who I am’ since I was younger; at 15?

I am definitely an introvert, but at the same time I am a ‘circumstantial’ extrovert – I can make myself talk if I have to, people may not call me shy; I’ve been put in leadership positions and it’s hard to be a leader and an introvert (I know, these little inconsistencies in character don’t make ‘me’. Just because I lie once doesn’t make me a ‘bad person’, to be labelled a liar; it is not my dominant identity. But still, I despise inconsistencies in people, and I hate that I have them too). I dislike math, science and technology, but at the same time I think I could do it if I really had to. It confounds me, but at the same time it’s so interesting/useful (I can’t understand trigonometry, logarithms? What is the relationship between the trigonometry graphs and the triangles?). Sometimes I’m nice and patient to those around me, and suddenly I am absolutely terrible and mean and impatient and say the most cutting things; I can be hot and suddenly cold and people have commented about this. I would like to think that I’m a consistent person, and that the times I lash out is due to all the pent up annoyance within me that I decide to release at that particular point in time, but I know that’s not really true. Why am I irked some times more than others? I like reading, writing, being alone etc, but I am unsure if I really enjoy these things. I find it very tough to say I like something. Usually what I like is what I hate the least/a mild preference, favouring, rather than an enthusiasm and joy. I don’t mind, but I don’t like.

(Contradiction is what I think makes human anger imperfect, as compared to ‘godly’ anger haha. Or at least one aspect of it. The standards/threshold of when we get angry differs, unlike the absolute standard of ‘godly’ anger. So He is angry when we sin, but we get angry at each other at varying levels of wrong done to us. Ok this is badly phrased but I hope you get my point.)

Sometimes I feel of about using plastic and trash, but other times I get very triggered by what I am doing – so much waste, so much for creation care. Sometimes I am in an absolute depressed state, other times hopeful (never lasting for long) and most of the time absolutely bored with existence. It sometimes seem like I fluctuate between depression and (mild?) mania.

These inconsistencies make me stumped when asked to describe myself to others. It’s difficult to condense people’s complex characters into words. I don’t think I’m experiencing an identity crisis now (because I simply don’t think about who I am as a person). The main problem is trying to 1) explain myself to people, and more importantly 2) trying to figure out my place in the world (actually, more like finding out what I want to do with my life. There are endless possibilities of what I can do, who I can become, but I don’t know what I should, what I would like to do. And time seems like it’s running out sometimes. Life is short.)


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