I think I’m still trying to find myself. I’m made up of contradictions; I’m pretty self-aware and reflective, yet I find it difficult to tell people who I really am. I’m confident, but if I look hard enough, I realise that I’m not fundamentally so. I think I’m very capable; am I more successful than the people around me? But then again (imposter syndrome), I feel like I’m kidding myself looking at how much I’ve accomplished. I just am, I suppose. I think this title is an issue that has become very significant to me since I entered university and matured/learnt stuff about the world. I’m no longer 100% content with the normal, but I’m not sure how much of the normal I wish to/can change.
This discontentment is complex, lots of trigger points. I’m currently on the ‘normal route’ that people around me undergo. I’ve followed the fairly obvious path all the way up till now. Go to a good primary school, went through all the affiliated schools thereafter. After I finish university, people around me are expected to start a career (with the few jobs that arts students usually take up: teaching/government ministry/marketing in a private firm), get married, buy a house, settle down. But. I (really) don’t want to? It’s a trap: buying a house here = needing to get a stable job to pay off the huge mortgage (ref to an old post in Oct ’17). Do I want to be trapped to the people here? Family/new family? I think I could do all that’s ‘expected’, but will I feel joyful (rather than happy), fulfilled? I think I could delude myself and create a reality where I can say yes, but is that reality really real?
This discontentment runs so deep that it seems almost unbearable? I’m discontented with stuff like climate change/treatment of exploited people, but, I don’t do enough? It’s just a vague feeling of being disgusted with how things are, I suppose. (Haha, yes, indeed sometimes I wish I could be as happy as others and can see ‘how far humanity has progressed indeed!’, but I guess I’m simply not made for that.) The discontent makes me question my future/faith (stuff I’ve written about here before and therefore I shall not repeat).
Perhaps I shall write with a little more focus now. So today I attended a wedding. It was a, triggering one, to say the least. I don’t know why, but I was quite agitated throughout it and it was not at all enjoyable. 1) First, the concept of beauty. The bride’s mom commented about my looks: ‘you’re pretty, should put on some make up, don’t lose/gain weight, you will get prettier, but there will come a time when you will deteriorate and thereafter you won’t be as pretty anymore’/comments about how the venue/bride/wedding dress is pretty pretty pretty. I was SO TRIGGERED. Is it a girl thing? To aspire to be beautiful? I don’t think I’m particularly pretty nor ugly and I don’t like thinking about my face/weight (I dress like everyone else to blend in. To an extent, I wish this was the Middle East where it’s normal to wear burqas and no one can see you. I’ll be quite happy to wear one, minus the heat). I wish society wasn’t so visual. What happened to vanity being a sin??? Aspiring towards happiness/spirituality rather than worshipping a person’s body??? 2) All the judgments about ‘the price of the venue, price of the dress’. GOSH. Is it an old people thing to comment so much? I don’t want get married if there is so much nonsense/judgement and talking. Reminds me why I am a fairly private person. 3) Weddings trends (everything is the same…), the RIDICULOUS cost of weddings (can’t the money be used for something better? Ok tbh I don’t understand Christians/people sometimes. Older people (Christians) especially, since I expect them to be much more educated/aware than I am. This is veering off weddings, but more towards disrupting the status quo issue). I don’t get HOW it’s acceptable to easily spend more than 10k on the venue/dress itself (I suppose it’s the selfish and careless way of spending money conflicting with faith) and continue talking about praising God/being spiritual/godly WHATEVER. Yes, omg, I admit I’m a super flawed person as well and it’s not like I tithe very much/ give a lot of money to the poor/ super compassionate. But. I suppose I just cannot understand how consumerism has become so normalised, especially consumerism at the expense of someone else (which is contradictory to people’s beliefs/humanity). It makes me sick, but hey, at least spending buys people happiness right :’) (no sarcasm; indeed throwing parties can bring people together and make people happy, haha apparently just not me). SO. Can we be consumerist and Christian? Perhaps this should be explored in another post (vows of poverty and stuff).
Hahaha after writing this it seems that I should not do all these ‘normal’ things. But I hate standing out too. Doing normal things = easy and I’ll hate myself doing it/shooting myself in the foot since I’ve written this post. I wonder how my future will be like, will I indeed be able to break away from this normality I am disgusted with? I’ve no idea.